these second chances will define me.

This is 100% real, from the heart. No lies. 100% pure truth. Ecclesiastes 12:14 says God sees and judges everything. Even what we do in secret. God sees us so I might aswell tell you about my life. The REAL truth about me & my life.

As a child..I grew up infront of sexual influences. I watched porn. YES, me. I became addicted in a way. I just watched it whenever I was alone. So, that made me want to experience it for myself. Which I ‘did’, at age 6. I also kissed girls, little kids & stuff. Pretended my blankets were celebrities and ‘slept’ with them. I had sexual dreams and enjoyed them not knowing they were demons tormenting me in my sinful state. Don’t laugh. Read on. My mind was really perverted but no one but me was aware of this sick fantasy.

I got older. Around 7/8 years old I was bullied. I began to develop reallllly low self esteem. And went back to watching porn because I thought I had to portray myself in a sexual way so people would like me. Of course, I didn’t show this at school. But at home, alone, I’d watch it when I had the chance. I was really influenced by it in some way. Because no one was attracted to me the way I wanted them to be, I decided to make myself attractive to them but never in public. Idk. It’s weird. But that’s how it was.

I got older. 10 years old. I was getting fairly tired of life at home. So I tried many ways of committing suicide. From nearly leaping from my window, hanging my self in my bathroom, overdose, cutting to trying to stab myself. Been there done that (almost). I had suicide notes ready and in place..I even wrote my will! And I remember my parents walking in on me with the knife and my dad said something like “if you kill yourself, I will carry you to your grave”..something like that. That shot me. I made up my mind no one loved me. I went back to watching porn and pleasing myself sexually because it was the only way to escape the pain and stress.

I was sexually harassed by a muuuuch older man. Aged 40/50+. This made me even MORE insecure but I dismissed it because I thought yeah okay this is probably how real life is supposed to be. Even though I had been watching these immoral things…and enjoyed watching them, I still felt he shouldn’t be touching me the way he was. But I couldn’t do anything about it. I was young, stupid and unaware. He kissed me and everything. I woke up one time and he was there. Leaning on me while I was on the bed. Till this day, I do not know what happened. But I forgive him anyway.

I got older. 11-14 years old. LOUD. Ghetto. LEADER of the pack. Miss Popularity. I knew pretty much everyone. I was all up in the mix you know. I was part of the “IT CROWD”. I was down with everybody. Outside you’d see me all happy and all that..making noise..talking about people..swearing..not caring about the world. Just having fun. But at home it was still the same situation. Depressing. Miserable. School and outside life was the best thing then. It covered up my pain at home. I still had that low self esteem. Which is why I wore a fringe with every hairstyle I did for 4 years. I felt and believed I was ugly. Plain ugly. I believed my parents hated me. I cried pretty much everyday of my life. My parents always had something to say about my life. In my view, I was always “innocent”. Either nothing or everything was my fault. Even global warming, I was to blame. People were always putting me down. The world just hated me. I wanted to die. I began cutting again. Experimenting with different objects. Yet I was never BRAVE enough to dig the blade deep. It was always a little slash. I’d prick my fingers on knives purposely. But I never dug deep. I don’t know why? I wanted to die so much but I guess I was afraid of dying at the same time?? Weird. I had the worst self esteem. I looked for escape in the wrong places. I remember having packed a suitcase in my wardrobe ready to runaway with a few of my friends. We were planning on going to stay at this man’s house. I was scared but was actually contemplating on doing it till a guy-friend at the time talked me out of it. You know when you live in an African household, you run away..don’t bother coming back. LOL! So instead, I met up with a lot of guys. Went to their houses and snuck out of church to meet up with guys in the park…didn’t do anything “too bad” though which is surprising. I confided in boys though. I put my trust in them even though they hurt me.

I almost wanted to give myself away to a certain dude. I thought I was in love. Thought he was theone. The only guy I ever cried over. I was way past sprung. I was SO ready to give myself away to him. I remember preparing myself haha. Thank God I didn’t. I was a fool and a sucker for a cheap love story.

Time passed. I was your average church goer not a Christian though. I went to church and knew a little about God but I didn’t act like He exists. I was living an atheist lifestyle. Denying Him everyday. Got angry when people thought I was a “proper Christian”. But I attended a church youth conference thing to hang with some friends and meet a couple of cute guys. You know the deal..going to church for boys and nothing else…. However, this was a conference like no other. What the pastor was saying REALLY convicted my heart. And I know it was flowing from God. I know God wanted me to hear it. It’s like the pastor knew my life from the beginning and exposed everything there and then. I remember crying so much. They had an altar call. But I did not go up. I was too much of a coward holding onto my pride rather than humbling myself. I left a little early ‘cause I had a curfew. Then I returned to life as usual. Hypocritical and sinful. Telling my little sis that liars go to hell when I was lying to my parents to go out and where I was going! I even lied on a church one time, that I was going to sleep there but really I was staying at a friends house. I woke up early the following day to get to church asap so my lie would be believable. *SMH*

I got older. 14/15. I decided that I didn’t find what I wanted in being that type of person. So I turned “emo”. LOL!!! I got addicted to cutting. Never deep. But I still did it. I listened to the worst of music. The music with such depressing lyrics. Yet I loved them. I found comfort in pain? Weird. But I loved it. I loved pain. I got used to feeling it. I had stopped watching porn because I had started to have some belief in God. Then it gradually got better but that music still had a grip on me because they were like the story of my life. Songs about guarding your heart…not believing in love…being so broken you never wanna trust anyone ever again just so you don’t get hurt. Then people started getting all judgmental callin’ me “devil’s girl…devil worshiper”…I retaliated quite defensively and insisted I wasn’t. But what I didn’t know was…I actually was what they called me. (John 8:44). But as I was blind to this, I was condemning others of their sins but I wasn’t even right with God myself.

Some time during my emo phase…I had a dream that REALLY woke me up. It was a random dream that came out of NOWHERE but it was SOOOOOOOOO REAL!!!! I had a dream I was with certain people from school…we were standing on a block balcony..then all of a sudden a huuuge tidal wave came in and washed over us. And we landed in this random place. It was like a London town in the night with no lights but one or two street lamps and a phonebox. We were randomly walking then all of a sudden the ground opened up and witnessed some people going down into what seemed to be a fiery lake of lava kind of thing…a certain person I remember was stood on a platform which descended into the fiery lake and melted her flesh in such a horrible way!! Then it came back up and a creeeepy voice said “YOUR TURN”.

OH BOY! I forced myself to wake up. I swear, I would’ve died that night. It is GOD who woke me up. I told my ma about the dream. It was pretty creepy. Beyond creepy in fact. So, we prayed together. I started to pray sometimes for myself. Suddenly, I could feel God’s presence. He was there to comfort me. I had now discovered there IS a God, a hell and a heaven. Yet I still carried on living life as normal and sinful heading straight to hell.

Then I continued getting wake up calls. Some ignored, some useful. Two most significant were:

1- my friend who said to me that I cannot be a “5 minute Christian”.

2- a new yrs eve service. A pastor said “if the trumpet were to sound tonight. Would you hear it?”

These things got me thinking haaardddd. But I really wanted change in my life. I tried and tried and tried but never could do it. I kept saying to myself..I want to live and lead a better life! I want to be a better person! So I thought I had to change myself first and then God would accept me. But I really didn’t. No one has to. God loves us and wants us to come to Him as we are but loves us too much to let us stay that way. So I started to put my faith in Jesus. But I didn’t really understand what it mean to be a Christian..but I still kept faith anyway. I stopped what I thought was MAJOR sin but didn’t read my Bible or nothing. Then I saw this video and it really smacked me in the face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy7Ma6LJft0&feature=related

As time went past, I began to grow and get closer to Christ. My life was transforming. I moved from church to church. Then my awesome sister in Christ told me about her church & my parents knew about it. So we went there one Sunday and it was amazing. We just had to return. Now I can happily call it my church. But carrying on. I thought I was saved because of how I felt. All my devotion was emotion. But I was really deceiving myself. Best believe I’ve only been saved since JANUARY 16TH 2011. The day after I read a testimony on a revelation of heaven and hell. The majority of the youth at our church got up in response to the altar call to partake of genuine Salvation. Before then, I was just trying to live what I thought was the Christian life. STILL heading for hell. Didn’t know where I was going. Even though there was this one time, my eyes were opened up even more and I cried out to God. In my room. Alone with Him. He was there. I know He was. Then I just immediately felt love. And He began to draw me near to Him. I fell in love with Jesus that very moment. Worshiping Him with all my heart and tears would be streaming from my eyes. I still wasn’t too strong in knowledge of Him but I was getting closer to Him. But from January 16th onwards, I’ve matured in all areas. I’m grown & still growing now. And I have assured Salvation via Grace through Faith in my Lord and Savior Yeshua.

But yeah. God is my life’s author and my story is still being continued today. There are a few events in my life that I’ve realized I’ve missed out but I think you get the message. Just so you know, I still feel lonely at times. I still get depressed now and then. I cry in my room feeling all alone. I still get mad. I have my doubts. I question His love. I fall. I do things I shouldn’t. I say things I shouldn’t. Bottom line, I’m NOT perfect. But I’m real enough to acknowledge I am nothing without Jesus. Everyday, His Grace & Love is renewed for me. I take it for granted and I really shouldn’t. I’m still human at the end of the day. But I only know that God is watching over me. He sees my tears. He comforts me. He’s saving me each day. Having Jesus in my life gives me hope, purpose & meaning. He helps me overlook my daily struggles and focus on maintaining my relationship with God and look forward to the end result.

Romans 8:18 - “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

Please don’t judge me by what you’ve read here. Rather:

“I know I’ll stumble

I know I’ll still face defeat

These second chances will define me”

^^Like lyrics from the song “What I’ve Overcome” by Fireflight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luXrDpGie4E

I make mistakes and I might fall

But I won’t break

I’ve got someone saving me 

If only you could see me yesterday

Who I used to be before the change

You’d see a broken heart

You’d see the battle scars 

Funny how words can’t explain

How good it feels to finally break the chains

I’m not what I have done

I’m what I’ve overcome

Jesus freed me from sexual immorality & low self esteem and so much more. I’ve been through a lot that made me guard my heart severely. Didn’t wanna let anyone in because I didn’t want someone to let me down. But I surrendered to JESUS WHO DIED FOR MY SINS. He sees past my past actions and dirty heart. He made me new. He cleaned my life up. I am a new creation! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I forgive my parents. They forgive me. I love them. Our lives at home have changed. It’s so amazing. It’s ONLY God that can do it.

So when I talk about my faith a lot, you gotta understand where I’m coming from. Now you know why I have a reason to boast in the Lord. Call me a “Bible basher’/thumper, religious” or whatever….but Jesus died for me, so imma live for Him. Persecute/hate/hurt me all you want, I won’t stop proclaiming His glory! It’ll be like that till I die. For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain.

Please do not be hurt by the hypocrites! Christians are LOVING people. We represent Christ who is God who is LOVE! As a Christian, you have the MOST AWESOME people in your life. Whether you know them personally or not, someone is always there to talk with/pray for you and you will feel like you’ve known them forever. I was recently really depressed for unknown reasons but I cried out to God & my brothers & sisters in Christ were there for me helping me along the way. There’s so much love. We are the BODY of CHRIST and the Love is flowing from Christ Jesus, the Head. There is NO love like God’s love. Believe me. Forget eros, AGAPE LOVE FTW!

I love everyone because God loved me first!! God loves you MORE than I do. Seek Him wholeheartedly and you will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)…..ACCEPT HIM & PUT YOUR FAITH IN CHRIST TODAY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TIME!! For He is risen & the Kingdom of God is near (Matthew 3:2).

Have you ever lied? Stolen? Lusted? Jesus said that’s adultery of the heart. Hated someone? That’s like murder. 

God has a holy standard, a holy law because HE is holy. He is set apart, not like us. He doesn’t think the way we do. He doesn’t do things or judge things the way we do. But if you’ve broken His commandments, even just one, you’ve broken His whole law. And the wages of sin is death! Sin wouldn’t be so attractive if it was punished immediately.

My point is, you’re guilty of breaking God’s law. You have to serve the sentence, in eternity. Heaven is pure like God so you can’t enter if you’re unclean. Huh? Sin makes us dirty. So if no dirt goes to Heaven, that means we’re all going to hell, right? yeah pretty much. BUT. God doesn’t desire for that to happen. He desires for all people to be saved. That’s why JESUS CHRIST had to die for your sins and my sins. In the Old Testament (or Covenant) days, they used to sacrifice animals because there’s no forgiveness of sin without the shedding of blood of something male without defect. So they sacrificed lambs. The High Priest did this on behalf of himself and all the people of their villages/towns. That is what JESUS CHRIST did for us. That’s why He is called the Lamb of God. He is perfect. He never sinned. So He had to die on behalf of us. He paid our price. 

You say “But I’m a good person” … um, that’s like being a criminal who committed some serious offence like murder but became reformed (changed) & gets called to court & says to the judge “i’m a good person now, i do good deeds so i deserve to go free” …. the judge will say no! You still committed the crime. You gotta do the time! You gotta pay the fine! UNLESS someone does it for you. Which is what JESUS CHRIST did.

You need to realize you CANNOT “earn” heaven. None of us deserve to go there. But God made a way for us to be with Him & not spend eternity serving our prison sentence in jail, which by the way NEVER ENDS. You could die TODAY. ANY MOMENT. Then you will stand before God (I don’t think you’d be able to stand infront of the Creator whom you have NEVER seen before!! You’d probably have buckling knees & fall down), you’ll have to give an account of how you’ve lived your life.  Your good deeds can NEVER outweigh your bad deeds. You still sinned against a just and holy God.

Yes God is all-loving but that doesn’t mean He’s a sissy. HE IS JUST SO HE HAS TO PUNISH SIN. 

The only way you can escape that is through CHRIST JESUS. You gotta REPENT (change your mind, turn away from sin & turn to GOD), confess & believe Jesus is LORD & TRUST IN JESUS ALONE FOR YOUR SALVATION. Ask God to give you the Holy Spirit to help you in your Christian walk. Get a Bible & read it to know more about God. Get to know some REAL CHRISTIANS & fellowship with them.

If I can be of any assistance to you, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! I love you & care for your soul.

This world is going down like the Titanic! Are you gonna be one of the people who ignored the warnings and didn’t believe the boat would sink? Till it was sinking & the lifeboats weren’t enough and the available ones had already gone out? And if you were going to jump out of a plane you wouldn’t just believe in the parachute, you’d use it. So call on Jesus today, confess your sins and ask Him to reign in your life & include you amongst the forgiven in the Book of Life!

The same God who did it for me will do it for you. God bless! ♥ ♥

GENERATION EX STAND UP!!!:

Ex JAY Z FAN: I was throwin’ my triangles up..best believe!

Ex CUTTER: my scars are healed physically/spiritually

Ex MASTURBATOR: keep clean. all forms of purity.

Ex BISEXUAL: now, straighter than ever! Waiting patiently for my Godly husband to find me when the time is right.

Ex ATHEIST: i’m more skeptical thank you’d believe but praise God, He is faithful

[update: 16th January 2012]

I removed some of my “EX” labels because I’ve been struggling with them (conforming, hypocriticism, etc). I’m praying & trusting God to change that up. I will rise above it.

NOTE: I did NOT open up just for the sake of it. This is not an AA meeting confession. I shared this with you guys to let you know only a SAVIOR can change lives the way He did mine. ONLY Jesus saves. There is NO other Savior. Christ has been pursuing me the WHOLE time. I grew up in the church (lukewarm). I’ve been to a mosque. I’ve hung with atheists, bhuddists, etc. None of these so-called “deities” revealed themselves to me. None of them saw the pain I was going through. None of them rescued me from my sinful state. I was convicted of sin through the Word of GOD. The Gospel BROKE ME DOWN when I realized I’ve broken God’s holy standard. I cannot do anything to ‘earn my way into heaven’. I don’t deserve it. BUT GOD! He paid the price. He redeemed my soul. Christ is my Lord and Savior. He’s been here with me the WHOLE TIME. I refuse to follow any other god. I am conviced ONLY Christ Jesus can save:

“And there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved.” -Acts 4:12.

Jesus doesn’t only change lives. He saves from sin. The change is just an addition to the gift of salvation. I surely did not change myself. Only Christ. ONLY Christ!

Please feel free to ask me ANYTHING!!! Questions about Jesus’ deity, e.g. how can Jesus be God? How can God have a Son? Or any other type of question, ASK ME & I’ll try to answer you the best I can

If you have my number, call/text me. Or just hit me up here or Facebook. Let’s talk. I’m also taking prayer requests from anyone..♥